do I have to do everything myself dot com?

i spent the rainy afternoon having documents notarized alongside my father’s death certificate, inadvertently reading the clinically phrased cause of death several times. this step is part of an overwhelming process involving unimaginable logistics. i’ve spent the past four months educating myself on how to administer my dead father’s estate and will be at his home in albuquerque on wednesday morning to sort through his effects, settle his affairs and collect his ashes.

of course, there’s an emotional aspect that is core to my being and the source of profound suffering throughout my life. i’m heading to it’s epicenter and have no idea how it will affect me. i anticipate that sorting and packing his clothes, books, personal items, and what’s left of his belongings will be ‘tough’ considering he’s 50% of my genetic material whose absence i’ve felt my entire life.

it’s been over 20 years since i’d seen him, but tracked him down in 2007. i was doing SEO research, found his resume and gave him a call. it was great. we started exchanging regular emails and calls and kept up with what was happening in each other’s lives.

my trajectory towards this imminent, unimaginable, and challenging place began before i was born. when two young people were drawn to each other and got laid. i was conceived the first time they [made love]* from what my mom tells me. she was a cute 19 year old hippie and my dad had the right moves. i’ll learn more about the affair when my mom reveals a lover’s stash she’s kept hidden all these years.

i figure that if i can handle this i can handle anything. looks like i’ll get to find out. tick tock.

there’s more…a lot more, but that’s all for this entry. i’ve got to get food and booze. sustenance is a physical addiction.

*past tense of the “f” word removed by request from mom]