do I have to do everything myself dot com?

things i have to do myself have been adding up, forthcoming and require attention. i’m learning to ask for help which was a thing on a list for a long time a long time ago. good thing i worked on that because i’ll need to practice in the coming months.

i don’t think it’s prudent to list the inevitable items on my current list. legalities and all that. you’ll have to excuse my vagueness at least for now. this is tough for me since i’ve always been an open book with my personal affairs and from what i’ve been told it’s not the best characteristic one should have. i never developed a censor or metering device to my speech. i share my trials and tribulations, digestive functions and anything that’s on my mind in almost any situation when these things come up. i’m tactful to a degree and have a sense of appropriate politeness but i’ve been told there’s room for improvement.

but i digress.

my current to-do list is massive. comprised of all the things i’ve put off, fucked off and ignored over my entire life. recklessness in finances, health, behaviors, and everything i’ve ever seen coming and side-stepped. the time for reckoning is nigh and i’m relieved.

the truth always comes out so they say. that’s fucking true and ironically part of an ethical code i live by. that’s why it’s relieving to have this reckoning.

while helping my favorite girl with a project recently i came across a great phrase credited to a very cool guy named samuel clemens, a.k.a mark twain: “if you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”

i’m tired of remembering the things i need to deal with. i think it’s why it’s hard to recall all the great stuff there is to remember.

allen,

i looked at the email newsletter with a calculator i found in a dumpster that’s from 1986 and it doesn’t show up at all.

my uncle’s great grandfather is going to be looking at this with an abacus that uses a version of MS-DOS made from cats. he’s in a in a rice field with no electricity in 200 b.c. it’s an alternate dimension where everything is reversed and when my psychic channeled him he said it’s still reading from left to right. that might be okay for you but it’s not in 200 b.c. and not in a reversed dimension that doesn’t exist. are we clear?

our email newsletter needs to be fixed so everyone in any dimension or time using any object or irrelevant device can see this properly and order our goofy crap.

by the way, we got your invoice and decided it was too much so we’re not paying.

thanks.

*inspired by client correspondence regarding an email newsletter. what was supposed to be a little project consumed more time and resources than expected. i will not be compensated for the additional hours…shocking.

i believe the saying is “pulled apart by horses” which is also a great radiohead song. that’s lately my state of being.

so much to do, so not sure why i take it all on. i swear to freakin’ christ i don’t do this on purpose but at some point i’ve got to figure that’s my job, too: managing the things i can do.

so far this week…

there’s so much more but i must go eat and there’s miles to go before i sleep.

ttfn.

“>

i’m back from albuquerque and back at the office. there’s an 8:00 am monday agency meeting that i look forward to all weekend, especially sundays. yay. it’s raining lightly (in portland? the hell you say!) and the motorbike ride in this morning was uneventful. desirée has been running good for what might be the most consecutive days ever. choosing a vintage 2-stroke motorcycle for transportation in the pacific northwest, known for it’s soggy 9 month rainy season, has been called “unrealistic” by more than one person. i can think of many other words like “irrational,” “ridiculous,” “foolish.” why unnecessarily complicate one’s life? a yamaha RD400 has a two-stroke engine. a two-stroke requires diligent maintenance and a skilled mechanic. the ad for the bike back in 1976 shows a guy working on it in his driveway fresh from the showroom. but it was the tail end of a time when motorcycle riders had to be motorcycle mechanics, hence the grease in their hair. but i digress…

i made a lot of progress in albuquerque, including how to spell “albuquerque.” it was an incredibly difficult experience, but i’m characteristically unafraid of challenge and i’m excited by the unknown. interesting that all the factors from my entire life coalesced into someone able to settle the affairs of my father. nobody else could, legal reasons, personal reasons, or undefinable reasons. i had all those reasons, too. all of them. my versions, of course. but the swim upstream through an emotional zambezi was compulsory. i had no choice.

still a list of incomplete items, each aspect of the process has many parts. i work on it every day and it will eventually be completed but never finished.

today was 60mph gusts of desert wind directly from the south. i’m not sure which direction i was heading, but south is downhill and i figure the best way to go downhill is fast with a headwind. the universe threw inclement weather at me? in the midst of everything else i’m doing my best to handle? awesome. really, because i love bad weather. the worse the conditions, the more excited i get. the elements were kinetically charged today so it was a nice boost. at one point, mother nature whipped my glasses right off my face. that’s sweet, heavy handed, but thoughtful of her, nonetheless.

i met with many county bean counter types who were all exceptionally kind, helpful and amicable. i was able to close my father’s bank account, did my research, had the properly notarized documents and tracked down his branch. the $42.50 i received, from checking and savings combined, i spent on a couple packs of cigarettes at wallgreen’s, a delicious burger with tater tots and vanilla shake from sonic (a treat i rarely allow myself), half pint of jim beam’s kentucky bourbon, bottle of diet coke, six pack of miller high life, half gallon of 100% orange juice, big bottle of water, spicy nuts & cajun sticks trail mix, pistachios, big bag of peanut m&m’s…all the things my father might’ve treated me too had we had the time together.

called the county contact i’ve been working with regarding his ashes and left several messages. no reply. “remains” not checked off list.

i’ve got another list to complete this evening and an early and long day tomorrow. oh, no. not another one, whatever will i do? i sure wish i could just be a lazy fucker and hang out and bitch all day with my friends. dang. so i’ll just dump all the words out ’cause grammar ain’t on tonight’s list…

i’m packing and getting the selected items into my aunt susan’s big suitcase i’d borrowed and was supposed to have returned a long time ago but my dad died right after i got home from christmas and she was kind enough to let me off the hook for my promise to return her luggage promptly, but i haven’t. i’ll get it to her as soon as i get home, thankful to have had it when i needed it, ironically because i didn’t return it due to the circumstances i’m currently resolving.

moof.*

*lisa b. made up this word, and i pepper it profusely.

exhausted.

the man i’d been working with in ABQ regarding gailen’s ransacked home and unpaid rent was struck ill. probably appendicitis. enduring intense pain, he politely arranged for his father to call me to manage some logistics. since we’d planned to work together while i was here, i had to alter my pace. i went directly to gailen’s, met my contact’s father, had a genuinely human dialogue, got a key for a door that was kicked in, and spent the day with my emotions, my father’s effects, a ransacked trailer, festering stench of cat piss, and the heat.

overwhelming.

*note: i’d titled and captioned these images but the script i’m using to display images doesn’t care how tired i am and i’ll have to re-do them later.

i spent the rainy afternoon having documents notarized alongside my father’s death certificate, inadvertently reading the clinically phrased cause of death several times. this step is part of an overwhelming process involving unimaginable logistics. i’ve spent the past four months educating myself on how to administer my dead father’s estate and will be at his home in albuquerque on wednesday morning to sort through his effects, settle his affairs and collect his ashes.

of course, there’s an emotional aspect that is core to my being and the source of profound suffering throughout my life. i’m heading to it’s epicenter and have no idea how it will affect me. i anticipate that sorting and packing his clothes, books, personal items, and what’s left of his belongings will be ‘tough’ considering he’s 50% of my genetic material whose absence i’ve felt my entire life.

it’s been over 20 years since i’d seen him, but tracked him down in 2007. i was doing SEO research, found his resume and gave him a call. it was great. we started exchanging regular emails and calls and kept up with what was happening in each other’s lives.

my trajectory towards this imminent, unimaginable, and challenging place began before i was born. when two young people were drawn to each other and got laid. i was conceived the first time they [made love]* from what my mom tells me. she was a cute 19 year old hippie and my dad had the right moves. i’ll learn more about the affair when my mom reveals a lover’s stash she’s kept hidden all these years.

i figure that if i can handle this i can handle anything. looks like i’ll get to find out. tick tock.

there’s more…a lot more, but that’s all for this entry. i’ve got to get food and booze. sustenance is a physical addiction.

*past tense of the “f” word removed by request from mom]

this guy was smart. here’s some stuff he’s supposed to have said:

“It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed.”

“I have no special talents, I am only passionately curious.”

“To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.”

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

“As far as I’m concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue.”

”If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.”

“If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called research.”

“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.”

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

“I’m thankful to those who said NO. Because of them, I did it myself.”

yesterday ignite 8 was held at the bagdad theater here in portland. it’s an event unlike many others and i was very excited to attend. i did my research, familiarized myself with each of it’s components and paid special attention to the attendance protocol that was clearly stated on the event’s site. doors open at 5:30, the talks start at 7:00 and it’s free so get there early to get a good seat.

having eagerly anticipated the event for weeks, my friends and i suffered terrible disappointment when we arrived at 6:00 and couldn’t get in. we politely inquired if anything was being done to remedy the situation and commiserated with the large crowd of fellow dissapointees. expecting an opportunity would present itself to catch some of the talks we’d so anticipated, we patiently stuck around for hours.

no dice.

i approached the door staff at 8:30 after confirming a dozen exiting attendees were not returning. i suggested that seats were now available and was met with vitriolic resistance. The arithmetic confounded them and I was denied.

i understand that you didn’t expect so many people to show up, but the dumbfounded reaction? i found it absolutely bizarre that an event of “thinkers” couldn’t find a movie screen in a movie theater, perhaps? project the streaming talks to an appreciative flock of eager attendees? on a wall outside maybe? anything?

nope. fail.

i’ve been involved in dozens of events and there’s always logistical snafus. these “solution opportunities” are usually my favorite memories. i’ve always been able to come up with something no matter what the situation. failure is never an “option” but sometimes an undeniable result despite every effort. giving up entirely is unacceptable.

i don’t have to do everything myself? really? last night reminded me that’s not entirely false. more often than not, if i don’t do anything, nothing gets done.

do i have to do everything myself? of course not. life’s a team sport and our culture’s propensity for island-esque, self-induced solitude is good only for moping. “pity party of one? your table’s ready.”

in an effort to exorcise this hard-coded notion from my illusory, ego-riddled behaviors that are irrationally joy-resistant, i have started this…ugh, my punk rock sensibilities shudder at using such trendy verbiage…”blog”.

truth is, we don’t make the planet turn and the universe is exquisitely capable of managing without us. feeling as if we must take on every over-achieving mission to alienate ourselves, suffer foolishly and wag our all-knowing finger at life is silly. let’s celebrate our silliness and pat ourselves on the head for being so exceptionally self-important. shake our egos like a sociopathic nanny until the whine turns to a whimper and goes quiet.

we don’t have to do everything ourselves and shared experiences are profoundly preferable. displace the distance between us and get on-board the “everything’s gonna be okay” express. rejoice in each other’s accomplishments and merge our capacities like a human-themed Voltron wielding our sword of altruistic humanity bent on perpetuating the good in all things.

…of course, i did have to register this domain. so in that respect i had to do at least that myself. come on people, get it together.